Traveling gives me time to reflect. And Fall for some reason brings about all the feelings. Maybe it’s because Fall reminds me of home or because I LOVE Fall and I want to share it with people I love. Whatever the reason, this weekend, while full of travel and Fall things, brought about all the feelings.
I love visiting my sister and her fiancé. I love seeing them happy together and their house is so cozy and inviting. Even the bed in “my” room is far more comfortable than the bed in my apartment. Their dogs bring me joy, too. Lyla and her wiggling excitement and Ruger’s cuddling are things I genuinely look forward to and yearn for. And yet I feel sad that Julie has a life outside of her life with me (lame, I know) and that I don’t have a house or apartment that feels like a home.
This weekend we carved pumpkins. While, yes, I could do this in the city it wouldn’t be the same. Somehow I would have to get a pumpkin, or two, back to my apartment, which would probably mean I’d have to Uber. And I wouldn’t be able to carve them outside in the quiet, crisp Fall air like I did in New Hampshire. For one, if I sat outside there wouldn’t be much sun and we’d have to move for other tenants or neighbors to get in. And two, it wouldn’t be quiet. I feel sad missing out on the simple pleasures of Fall, but lucky that I can do them with Julie when I visit.
Sunday morning after relaxing we went on a jog in the woods. While I couldn’t see well without contacts it was everything I needed. It brought me back to hiking in Vermont only it was better because Julie, Lyla and I were the only ones out there. Quiet. Crisp. Nature. I felt at peace.
My best friend from college came to visit for brunch. We sat for hours talking without interrupting eating all the brunch food and drinking mimosas. It made me feel so happy and yet so sad and I didn’t know why. Maybe because as you get older you see your friends less and less? Maybe because naturally people tend to focus more heavily on romantic relationships than friend relationships and I keep coming up empty handed there? Maybe because despite my achievements in life I still feel insecure? I’m not sure. All I know is my brain felt confused for feeling sad when I also was feeling happy.
It was a truly great weekend. I saw people I love deeply. I did Fall activities that brought me joy. I hugged and cuddled dogs. I ate delicious food. I realize that I am privileged to have the ability to travel and do these things. I am lucky. And yet I also acknowledge that my feelings are valid and real. It’s okay to feel sad despite a great weekend because you miss nature and your family and friends. It’s okay to feel longing for your own home and special relationship. It’s okay to feel insecure despite your achievements. It’s okay to feel is what I’m really trying to say. It’s okay.
This blog is more than a food blog. It’s a safe space for me to write through things that I’m going through. Sometimes you read a recipe or about a trip. Other times it’s my feelings. All I know is that writing here, whether it helps others or not, helps me. It’s like a journal only virtual and I find myself writing in a more positive tone that I would in a personal journal. So if this post isn’t your cup of tea, just bear with me because the topics tends to vary quite often.