Worth the Weight

Catch my post about what to eat before a run here.I went home this weekend for my mom's birthday. It's one of my favorite weekends because I love being with the family in the Fall. I always do some deep thinking when I'm at home. Does anyone else feel like they resort to their high school selves when they go home?

When I was in high school my vision of my body was distorted. And my eating habits were far from healthy. I restricted what I ate, some days more strictly than others. I lived off of rice cakes and if I could go a day without afternoon snacks that was a successful day. As it usually goes, the restriction would lead to binges. A lot of times ruining my appetite for special meals (birthdays or get together). At that time in my life my restrict-binge cycle was overshadowed by how busy I was with classes and being a three season athlete.

The cycle also meant that my multiple trips to the scale each day were loaded with shame and disgust. I hated my body. But more so I look back and realize how unhappy I was. Sure I was happy with my friends and I loved my teammates, both for track and soccer, but deep down I was too focused on image and weight to truly be happy.

Saturday morning I woke up and weighed myself. Why? I was curious. And it felt like habit. Well what I saw on the scale was a number I haven't seen since I studied abroad. And while it threw me off a little, I've definitely come a long way. I don't want a number on the scale to define my mood as I've worked so hard to find happiness and other things to focus on.

Instead I went to a Barre class with my mom. Focusing on how strong I felt and how great the class made me feel physically and mentally. I was able to let go of my worries if only for an hour and just be in my body. Any movement is good movement. I'm actively trying to find movements that I enjoy and are therapeutic for me. Just because my dad and sister enjoy running doesn't mean that has to be my thing either.

Instead I enjoyed talking with my dad on a walk in the woods. It makes me feel so special when my dad asks about my career and shows genuine interest in trying to understand the role of a feeding tube. It was also a beautiful day to spend on the trails that I used to run for track.

Instead I enjoyed a few (okay 3...) Glasses of wine while talking and catching up with my mom and sister. We do some damage to wine and love our time together. No deprivation for me. Sure I could have had fewer glasses, but I got caught up in the moment and the delicious taste of Apothic Red.

Instead I enjoyed a special dinner of steak tips, potatoes, roasted vegetables, and pumpkin pie. No restriction here because I wanted the food, I knew it would taste good and pumpkin pie is tradition for my mom's birthday.

Sure my weight has gone up a bit since marathon training, graduation celebrations, starting a new job, moving to the city, etc. I can attribute it to a few extra alcoholic beverages, going out to eat a few times each week, and likely having larger lunches than normal. I'm aware of those things but I'm not beating myself or my body up for it. I've been busy starting a new life for myself. I've been busy finding what makes me happy. Weight isn't the be all or end all. Sure it can help some people stay on track or get back on track, but it's not everything. How you feel both mentally and physically is everything. Life is about so much more than your weight. Don't let it control you. You are in control of your life.